‘Be Right or Be Happy’ is a phrase I hear linked to Communication, and it was said to me a short while ago as a slight criticism and I initially accepted it as being right because sometimes I know I am right and being wrong is not an option and I without question accepted the phrase as being right!
Then I thought about the phrase more and the more I thought it led me to the fact that the phrase is wrong which led to this article about being right! Or being wrong!
First things first being right does not exclude me or you from being happy, being wrong does not exclude me or you from being happy – they are not mutually attached for me, or for you, or in fact for anyone on the planet
Now I have not told the other person they were wrong in their statement – I do not need to be right in that situation – I have made the choice to write an article instead to share my thoughts on the subject
You can be right and be happy and you can be wrong and be happy. You can be wrong when you are right and be happy, you can be happy when proven wrong and any other combination of right and wrong and be happy – it is your choice
Happiness is an emotion you choose to have or not, it is something you can create or destroy in any moment with a change of thought, it is your choice, and you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is their choice
Now here is the ‘thing’ not everybody knows that! and being right sometimes upsets other people and that is their choice
It is how you are right, how you express it, what and how much compassion you include or not, how emotionally intelligent you are in the moment and follow up that is important, what tone you are right in, what words you use, how you behave that makes the difference
You do not always have to be right; you have choices in how to balance being right or wrong dependent on the situation, and the environment and the person you are interacting with in your communications
How you behave will affect the results you receive in every aspect of life and business
A simple graph explains what I mean and the choices you have
You have 4 options to choose from and recognise
- Being right when you are right
- Being wrong when you are wrong
- Being wrong when you are right
- Being right when you are wrong
Each position has its own set of parameters and reasons as to why you would adopt that position with your communication
- Being right when you are right
Being right is a fundamental necessity in many circumstances
Being right when it is a legal matter, a piece of objective factual evidence-based information, truth on a situation is a good thing that is not to be dismissed, underestimated, or allowed to not be said.
If you choose to not be right when you know you are right, you collude with & condone the wrong, it allows others to be wrong on something that is wrong rather than right. By accepting not being right and not saying anything you allow others to continue to be wrong without the knowledge of how to be right
Is that fair for them?
There is a process to go through to not undermine them and their thoughts, you can be right without trampling on others and of course the complete opposite can be true
People may not remember what you said, they may not remember what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou
Now being right can sometimes come from just having to be right regardless of whether you are or not. Being right when it is a personal opinion can lead to judgements, prejudice, bias and all sorts of other ‘stuff’. It relates to being right for being rights sake, as such. Meaning you stand your ground, you dig in, you don’t listen, you trample over others, you win at all costs and your ego shouts.
It really isn’t pleasant
Do you always have to be right even if you are?
The simple answer is no you don’t. Now whether you are or not is a whole other thought process.
There are always times and situations and people where being right, even though you are, is just not important. You can walk away, you can stay silent, you can retreat, you can change the subject – there are options to be taken
Clearly there is a choice to be made in the moment of the impact being right will make on the situation, the relationship, the subject, the beliefs of the other person
This is where Emotional Intelligence, comes in and where you weigh up the costs and benefits, the pros and cons, on you and the other person, group or situation
A few questions to ask yourself:
- How much energy do you want to expend on being right?
- How important is it to you?
- Why is being right important to you?
- Is being right vital?
- Is being right the only way?
- What is the relationship you are in with the other person, organisation, team?
- How do you want to maintain the relationship going forward?
- Being wrong when you are wrong
This is an absolutely fabulous way of showing your ego isn’t shouting, or the fact that you are listening, that you can be wrong, that you are willing to learn from others
This is even more important when you are a Leader, and please remember we are all Leaders, admitting being wrong is a skill and an art and can be learnt
To be wrong after thinking you are right is a process of:
- Creating an environment where others will challenge you
- Creating an environment where other know there will be no recriminations from their challenge
- Creating a culture of support and challenge
- Being wrong when you are right
I can hear you ask why on earth would I do that? and my answer is because you can.
Being right is not the be all and end all and does not give you the best result ongoing in any relationship
Now you do need to pick the situation and assess the consequences of being wrong when you are right – now only you can assess the situation and to do that you have to be able to analytically and sometimes in the moment assess that situation, the person, the future of a relationship
- Being right when you are wrong
What an interesting concept and I expect we have all done that at some point!
We all only know what we know in the moment, and we can fight tooth and nail to support ourselves and our point of view.
Why would we do that? Because we truly believe that what we think, what we have listened to, what we have been influenced by is right
The thing is they aren’t always right are they? & Neither are we.
There are manipulative ‘right’ thinkers and there are naïve ‘right’ thinkers
When we are open to listening, when we are an open thinker, when we are curious, when we actively discourse, debate, discuss we learn and learning broadens our own comfort zone.
EQ & IQ
Our emotional intelligence and intelligence quotient grow. EI is most often defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. IQ is defined as a proficiency in or knowledge of a specified subject and the apparent relative intelligence of a person
I absolutely love this phrase ‘words are the costumes of intent’ and however you communicate your results are an indication of your level of self-awareness
You can listen even when you do not agree and sometimes you will verbalise that and sometimes you won’t say anything – it is your choice
If you don’t care enough about the subject or the person (that is the truth and your choice of where you expend your energies) where you care passionately about someone or something you will be right when right is the right thing to be even if the other party may not like the message.
It is up to the individual or group as to what they then do with the information, it is their choice pure and simple
What you can be held responsible for is how you deliver the message and for what reason you are delivering the message
When all is said and done more is said than done
According to Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist who helped to popularise emotional intelligence, there are five key elements to it:
- Self-awareness. How aware are you of you and how you express your energies
- Self-regulation. Responding rather than reacting, thinking before engaging or disengaging
- Motivation. What are your drivers and your values that you operate through
- Empathy. Placing yourself in the others persons shoes and from their term of reference
- Social skills. Being able to build good relationships and to behave appropriately to the situation
EI is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.
Emotional intelligence is the key to both personal and professional success
There are Four Emotional Quotient (EQ) Skills which are split between Social Competence and Personal Competence
| Personal Competence – you | Social Competence – others | |
| What I see | Self-awareness | Social awareness |
| What I do | Self-regulation | Relationship regulation |
It’s an interesting process to think through and to gain feedback on
Self-Awareness – Ability to recognise your emotions as they happened and understand your general tendencies for responding to different people and situations
Social Awareness – Understanding where the other person is coming from whether you agree or not
Self-Regulation – Using awareness of your emotion to choose what you say and do to positively direct your behaviour
Relationship Regulation – Using awareness of the other persons’ emotions to choose what you say and do to positively direct your behaviour