What is Abuse? Abuse is a powerful word and is not something anybody will want to be called or accused of, and sadly, many are an abuser and do abuse without the knowledge they are, believe it when they are told, or change when someone informs them and provides the opportunity.
Abuse can occur not only between people but also within ourselves. Without realising it, we can often engage in self-abusive behaviours, like negative self-talk, neglecting our needs, or pushing ourselves beyond healthy limits.
Similarly, the way we treat others — whether partners, parents, caregivers, or colleagues and can be shaped by intrinsic patterns and learned behaviours from our upbringing. If we grew up in an environment where criticism, manipulation, or control was the norm, we may not recognise these actions as abusive because they feel familiar.
What we see as ‘normal’ might be harmful, and it can take time and awareness to break these cycles and create healthier ways of relating, both to ourselves and others.
Abuse is any behaviour or action that intentionally and sometimes unintentionally harms, controls, or manipulates another person, causing physical, emotional, psychological, or financial damage. As much as I write unintentionally, ‘ignorance is no defence in the eyes of the law’ in the UK.
Abuse involves the misuse of power or trust in a relationship, often leaving the victim feeling degraded, fearful, or helpless.
Abuse can take many forms, including physical violence, emotional manipulation, verbal insults, financial control, or neglect, and can occur in any relationship, including between partners, family members, caregivers, or colleagues.
Whether intentional or stemming from learned behaviours, abuse violates the dignity and well-being of another person and often the abused become abusers both males and females – gender is not exclusive within this field.
In any relationship, personal and business, abuse can take a multitude of forms, all of which can deeply harm both partners and any others involved.
Sadly, anyone can be abused and except partners for this point.
- Children are abused,
- Parents are abused,
- The elderly are abused,
- The vulnerable are abused,
There may be one type of abuse experienced or a combination of types involved.
Cycle of Abuse
Many abusive relationships follow a cyclical pattern:
- Tension Building: Stress and tension build in the relationship.
- Incident of Abuse: The abuser lashes out with physical, emotional, or verbal abuse.
- Honeymoon Phase: The abuser apologises, promises to change, and may even shower the victim with affection.
- Calm: The relationship appears normal until the cycle repeats.
The longer the cyclical behaviours are allowed to continue, the more significant the impact on all parties involved.
Forms of Abuse
It is essential to recognise the types of abuse that exist to protect yourself and your loved ones.
- Physical Abuse: This involves any form of physical violence, such as hitting, slapping, pushing, or any action intended to cause harm. It can also include withholding necessary medical care or preventing a partner from leaving or seeking help.
- Emotional or Psychological Abuse: Emotional abuse can be subtle but damaging, involving constant criticism, belittling, manipulation, or making a partner feel worthless. This can include controlling behaviours like isolating someone from friends and family or making them question their own reality, often referred to as gaslighting.
- Verbal Abuse: Verbal abuse includes yelling, insulting, threatening, or using hurtful language to intimidate or humiliate the other person. Constant criticism or name-calling can erode a person’s sense of self-worth.
- Financial Abuse: One partner may control or limit access to money, making the other person dependent on them financially. This can include preventing someone from working, taking away their earnings, or controlling all financial decisions, making it difficult for the other person to leave or feel independent. NB*
- Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse occurs when one partner forces or manipulates the other into sexual activities without their consent. This can range from pressuring someone to engage in unwanted sexual acts to outright assault.
- Neglect: Although often discussed in terms of children, neglect can happen in relationships too. A partner may ignore the other’s emotional or physical needs, neglecting their well-being or refusing to provide care and support.
- Coercive Control: This involves a pattern of controlling behaviours that strip the victim of their autonomy. It includes monitoring their activities, controlling what they wear, who they speak to, or how they spend their time. It is a form of manipulation designed to trap the person in the relationship.
- Spiritual or Religious Abuse: This occurs when one partner uses religion or spiritual beliefs to control or manipulate the other. It can involve guilt, pressure, or forcing specific religious practices to assert dominance over the other person.
- Child-Related Abuse: In relationships with children, abuse can extend to using the child as a weapon. This might include making threats regarding custody, using the child to manipulate the partner, or behaving abusively in front of the child, causing emotional harm to both the partner and the child.
Each form of abuse has long-lasting consequences on the individuals involved, particularly on young children who may be witnessing or experiencing the effects of such a toxic environment.
It is crucial to recognise these signs and seek help to protect the well-being of everyone involved.
NB* In a partnership, financial contribution is not always equal, and that is okay. What is important is that both parties openly discuss and agree on how each will contribute based on their individual circumstances. Contributions can take different forms, money, time, or effort in household duties, for example.
One partner might provide more financially, while the other invests more time in caregiving or managing the home.
The key is finding a balance that works for both, acknowledging that each form of contribution is valuable and essential to the partnership’s overall success.
Open communication and mutual respect are critical to maintaining fairness and harmony in this arrangement.
Laws of Protection
In the UK, several laws are in place to protect individuals from abuse, covering various forms of domestic violence, physical harm, emotional abuse, and coercive control.
Key legislation includes:
- Domestic Abuse Act 2021: This landmark law defines domestic abuse as not only physical violence but also emotional, coercive, or controlling behaviour. It introduces Domestic Abuse Protection Orders (DAPOs), which give authorities more power to protect victims. It also recognises children as victims if they witness domestic abuse.
- Serious Crime Act 2015: This law made coercive and controlling behaviour in intimate or family relationships a criminal offense. It applies when one partner uses manipulation, isolation, or control tactics that cause serious emotional or psychological harm.
- Equality Act 2010: This act provides protection from harassment or discrimination, particularly in cases where abuse is based on characteristics like gender, race, disability, or sexual orientation.
- Sexual Offences Act 2003: This law defines and criminalises various forms of sexual abuse, including rape, sexual assault, and sexual exploitation. It also covers child sexual abuse and abuse of individuals in vulnerable positions.
- Protection from Harassment Act 1997: This act offers protection from stalking, harassment, and intimidating behaviour. Victims can seek restraining orders, and offenders can face criminal charges.
- Family Law Act 1996: The act allows for Non-Molestation Orders and Occupation Orders, which protect individuals from violence, threats, or harassment by a partner or family member and can prevent an abuser from living in or near the victim’s home.
- Children Act 1989: This act aims to protect children from harm and allows for intervention when a child is suffering or at risk of abuse. Local authorities can take legal action to safeguard children in abusive environments.
These laws are enforced by the police, courts, and social services, and individuals experiencing abuse are encouraged to seek legal support and protection through these channels.
Hurt People Hurt
When you have been abused, it’s possible to become an abuser without fully realising why.
This often happens because the patterns of behaviour you experienced become internalised, forming part of what feels ‘normal’ and is ‘normal’ in your experience within relationships you have experienced.
Abuse can distort your understanding of healthy boundaries, respect, and power, leading you to repeat the same harmful behaviours. Emotional wounds from past abuse can manifest as anger, control, or fear in your own actions toward others.
Without healing and self-awareness, the cycle of abuse can continue, often unintentionally, as we repeat what we learned, even if it hurt us as well as others.
Recognising this cycle is the first step toward breaking it and creating healthier, more respectful relationships.
Hurt People Heal
Abuse (hurt) is a complex issue that affects both the victim and the abuser, often rooted in patterns of behaviour that can feel difficult to break. However, help is available for both parties.
For those experiencing abuse, it is vital to seek support through trusted friends, family, or professional services such as domestic violence helplines, support groups, legal protections, therapist, counsellors, or experienced coaches.
At the same time, abusers can seek help to change their behaviour through counselling, therapy, rehabilitation programs or experienced coaches.
Healing is possible for everyone involved, and it requires taking that first step toward acknowledging the problem and seeking guidance. No one should face abuse alone, and with the right support, both victims and abusers can move toward healthier, safer futures.
‘Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life.’
‘Nothing sits in isolation everything is connected’
Far more written to come on this subject & if you like audio please hop across to The Conscious Leadership Podcast to hear more
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